I hope all you wonderful mums have a wonderful day and really enjoy it.
I tried telephoning my mother having sent a card and as usual got no answer. I am hurting each time this happens as I feel it is rejection or perhaps I am overreacting.
I last saw my parents in March 2005 but I do speak on the telephone as and when I can. I always send the relevant cards and try and make contact as much as possible. I invited them to my wedding but they unfortunately had other plans.
In some ways I wish I was a mum myself but I know this will never happen as I made a very hard decision when I was 32 and just been diagnosed. I had no idea I was pregnant at the time of the operation and the nurses did not do pregnancy tests back then. So I had the operation and went home the say day. A couple of months later early January I felt extremely unwell and collapsed I was taken to hospital and then referred to a larger one. Here I discovered I was pregnant. I saw the gynaecologist the following week who said with my illness we would have to be extremely careful if the pregnancy was to continue and I had a while to decide what I wanted to do. The decision was made for me as a couple of days later I miscarried this meant a removal of products had to be carried out (yet another operation). The lovely gynaecologist told me I could also be sterilised at the same time to prevent the risk of yet another miscarriage and also the risk of passing the illness on to my offspring. I had a couple of days in which to decide.
In some ways I feel I took the coward's way out. I had the operation and sterilisation so will never know what it is going to be like to be a natural mother. I did have step children in my first marriage and loved them as if they were my own. Making things for them and loving them as best I could but I always knew and often they reminded me "You are not my real mum".
So I know life is tough and hard decisions have to be made. I made the decisions with the advice from the professionals but sometimes I yearn for what I have not got other days when I hear a baby screaming in a shop and it just won't stop I feel I am glad it is not happening to me.
So for all you mothers who have children, babies, teenagers or grown up remember you are the lucky ones you have faced your challenges and will have more to come because even when children are adults they always want their mum.
Best wishes
Fee
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ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your Mum Fee but remember there is still time. And you certainly didn't take the coward's way out by deciding not to have children, that was a very brave decision to make.
ReplyDeleteI do however, quite envy the fact you had the information to make an informed choice. I didn't and as a result I have passed on to at least two of my sons this dreadful disease and watching them, especially when they're in pain, is a very hard thing for a parent to do, especially when you know that pain is result of the disease that you gave them.
I would like to say...I consider you very brave to make such a decision. Life-altering decisions are always difficult and fill us with uncertainty. Try not to focus on the negatives of your decision. I know that is near-impossible at times, but try to remain optimistic.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about your feelings towards your mother. My mother has long periods of time when she doesn't want to hear from me. It is in her nature...or that is what I've come to believe. Perhaps, one day your mother will realize how much she needs you. I hope so.
Your words are so heartfelt. I wish you many blessings. I'm glad I stopped by today...
Stay strong,
Mattie
Oh Fee - you have had so much thrown at you and you still manage to bounce back. You never seem to have a moment's self pity and I wonder if everything that has gone on in your life has made you stronger? Your writing is so powerful because it is so honest.
ReplyDeletePoor Fee, I too yearn for a child, which I don't seem to be able to have. It's been three years now. I am going to leave it another year and then try to adopt. Are you able to adopt? I feel almost excited at the prospect of helping a child who's already in the world and needs a family, rather than creating my own child. Can you work with children or volunteer for something?
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