This time last year

This time last year I was in the thick of organising the wedding. There was so much to do for example travelling to London to choose the dress and then arrange the other fittings. Most of the waistcoats had been organised and bought. The Registrar, hotel and chauffeur had all had their deposits paid.

Dates were noted for final payments.

Now looking back I don't know how I managed to do it all but I did. I suppose it is sheer determination that keeps us going.

I am sitting at the computer today and wondering what I will be saying about this year in next year's blog. Not a lot I am thinking at the moment as I don't feel I have achieved anything.

I know I have been busy doing various things with fingers in many pies. By the end of the year I expect I will have achieved a lot but for now I am not content with what I have done or what I have achieved. I suppose from small things large things will grow in time. The trouble with me is I am impatient I want to see the results now not later.

I can hear Nicola's voice in my head saying "You have had letters in various newspapers and your poems". But to me that is not enough my biggest goal is my book. I know now all I can do is have fingers crossed and hope that it gets accepted. If not later in the year I will try my hand again at sending it to a publisher.

To me I muddle through each day. To others they say I cope really well. I look at my old life of running or swimming before work. Going to work, swimming and then spending the rest of the evening studying. Now without much structure to my life I miss my old life and wonder what could have been. This gets me so frustrated and I know I shouldn't do it. I wonder if I ever will go back to my law studies. Who knows?

With more hospital appointments looming I am struggling to keep on top of things. If I pretend they don't exist I can stop worrying and cope with what each day brings. The swelling of my legs to me seems normal everyday life now but when it first appeared it was agony. Now I seem to accept it as part of me. I hate using my wheelchair and try to be normal. Using my sticks I can get about but I hate relying on them.

I am looking forward to Tuesday I have my outfit planned out and am looking forward to the concert. The hotel booking is secured in my bag along with the tickets (marked complimentary). Still pinching myself. Not sure if I should take an autograph book as that to me feels presumptious.

Best wishes

Fee