Update

It seems I am not the only one under the weather at the moment. Another sleepless night drags on and here I find myself at the computer.

What is fear? Fear is a strange emotion, it can stop us doing something as we are afraid of being ridiculed or it can be overcome depending on what the fear is. Phobias can be cured with the right technique and in some cases anxieties can be controlled.

The more I attend hospital the more I fear them. I know what is going to happen to me, I know the procedures and the waiting around. I know they have tricks up their sleeves. I know the staff like making people wait to see if they burst while waiting their turns for ultrasounds. If you have had one of these you will understand what I am talking about.

It is not the staff I fear, it is the procedures and waiting that really gets to me. Walking through the doors of the hospital having to queue at the appointment desk for what seems like hours. Sometimes missing my appointment slot due to the long queue at this desk and lack of parking makes matters worse. To add insult to injury the hospitals charge for the pleasure of trying to find a parking space.

I wish I could move on from hospital appointments but as the time nears, my stomach goes into a knot. Watch out Steve she is anxious, beware her temper tantrums. Oh yes, I am honest about my fears. The trouble is nothing really allays them. I try breathing exercises to control them and all sorts of techniques but now over the last twenty years of hospital appointments it seems to be to no avail.

The worst is not knowing the results and the waiting seems an eternity for an appointment to see the right consultant for whichever ailment they are looking at. I have many consultants now they all know me by my first name and I know them all by sight even when out of hospital grounds. Yes I am an old timer going back and for to hospital.

I know this journey will never end. I just wish it was made easier and feel for those who have bigger burdens to bear.

It is for those that I try and change things when something goes wrong but I do give praise when things go right.

I wish I could stay positive all the time but life is not like that.

In June I dread the needles. In November I dread the cameras. This time it was just a scan so I was lucky.

Despite my horrid cough, cold and lack of appetite I am managing to write. Yes I have finally finished a piece for Doris. I never thought I was going to enter. All I have to do now is work out what the entry requirements are as this addled brain of mine cannot understand whether to staple the paperwork or just paperclip it all together. That is what comes from having the flu and trying to concentrate on everything at once.

Anyway I am going to drag this weary body off to bed in the hope I can get some rest.

Best wishes.

Fee

I have a cold

Oh here we go waking up with a very sore throat
Oh what a bore this is a chore having to blow my red nose
Constantly coughing is annoying my chest but I do my best
To alleviate my symptoms

Were we going Mad?

Yesterday many people tried to comment on various blogs and the word verification thing didn't work. I know I was among many who blamed their computer. It wasn't until the lunchtime news announced that Google had had a problem with their email accounts that the penny dropped.

So for all who blamed your tools or thought you were going mad you were not. It was google having problems not us.

So we are sane and here to stay.

Best wishes to everyone.

Fee

DWP

Many people have no idea what is involved when you have to start claiming benefits. I had no intention of ever having to claim long term benefits but due to my health I soon had to change this attitude.

Asking for help has been the biggest challenge for me and I still find it difficult. In January with the help of an adviser from the DWP my DLA Forms were completed to try and get my care rate lifted from low to middle or high rate. As soon as my care rate goes up my husband and I will be entitled to Carers Allowance, Council Tax benefit and some other benefits which I am not sure about yet.

Today I received a letter informing me that the DWP have not yet made their decision and it will be a further 8-10 weeks before a decision is known as they are only just writing to my GP to obtain a report.

The media seem to portray people on benefits as scroungers we are not. We are just desperate for help in circumstances beyond our control. I didn't ask to be ill. I do what I can to stay positive but it is very tough.

The tears have flowed freely this morning. I know I have to let them out otherwise everything gets stuck in my head and will cause depression. As mental health is not an illness which can be seen the DWP also have issues with this.

I sympathise with all the people who are ill and finding it so difficult to get the financial help they so desperately need and to be told they have to wait 3-6 months is ridiculous.

At the age of 22 I did not think about life or health insurance let alone obtain a pension plan. I had no idea what was around the corner.

To be told at 23 I was unable to get life or health insurance while I was working was a blow but the worst blow came much later on in life when I was unable to take over the mortgage of my former matrimonial home. I lost everything. However I gained my new husband and together we struggle through. Life has been tough but I know it is harder for others and that is why I desperately want things changed.

I can't sleep

I just can't sleep
why because I am not dead
on my feet
I know I should head
off to bed to get some sleep
I just can't seem to do it
It is like I have think about it
My other half is there but
I sleep downstairs
sometimes life just isn't very fair.

Best wishes and good night all.

Fee

I am now involved in a Menage a Trois

Thanks to Simon I have discovered I am in a Menage a Trois this means a relationship with my writing and a relationship with my husband.

Trying to juggle writing with a relationship is certainly like having an illicit affair. I had no idea writing could come into its own and be classed as a relationship but it is and it has.

Trying to find quiet time and not feel guilty for writing is going to be an art form in itself. I am lucky my husband supports me in all that I do whether it be being filmed, attending interviews and now writing.

My writing is lucky it wins hands down every day it is going to get attention far more than my husband but I know at the end of the day I will have achieved something whether it just be putting some words on the screen.

My husband is "my favourite waste of time" whereas my writing is a true passion and flair for something I love doing and dream of succeeding at.

Thank you so much Simon.

Best wishes.

Fee

Oh Boy What have I done

I attended a Cancer Research Relay for Life meeting last night and got so passionate about it I am now involved in helping with the event. I thought of all the reasons why I could not be involved like the fact I don't drive and have to rely on others to take me to places. I mentioned this to the organisers and they said "We will pick you up it is not a problem". So here I am busy sending emails and working out what to do next.

I drafted an email for BBC Midlands today and forwarded this on to the committee as I felt it would be better coming from their own email address rather than my own.

They have now sent this off and we will just have to wait and see what support we get from tv.

I am also doing other promotion work for Sail4Cancer and have written an article today. This means I am busy writing and learning new skills each day.

The writing group is spurring me on and I know by being involved with various charities that I will certainly be writing a lot to newspapers, the media and various letters and emails.

I am so glad I am not here sitting feeling sorry for myself I am now far too busy to do that.

Best wishes to everyone.

Fee

A Little Luck

Last night while preparing to go out I asked Steve if he had done the lottery (which he normally does without fail) he hadn't. I told him to take a pound out of my purse and spend it on the lottery.

This morning he set off to obtain milk and the newspaper from our local shop. He returned to say we had won five pounds on the thunderball.

My motto is nothing ventured nothing gained and this proves it. We only paid a pound and won five pounds. This has put a smile on my face for the day.

I woke up with a cold and felt dreadful but there was no point lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I had some cold cure and got up.

I am now puzzling over the Chairmans' Challenge in my head there are three ways I could tackle it. I am going to take the advice from "Wannabe a Writer" and think about it as long as possible before I actually write it.

I can always draft them all and then decide which one I like best.

Best wishes.

Feex

Feeling Numb

I got home following my writing meeting this morning to discover the post had arrived on the mat. I saw one of the letters was addressed to me. Well it was more of a package than a letter and in fact it contained a cd. On opening I discovered it was the DVD from Noel's HQ.

As the show had been filmed live I had not had a chance to see what was going on the screen let around what was going on around me due to the nerves kicking in. Needless to say Steve put it in the DVD player and we sat cuddled up on the settee watching it. I had no idea they had edited it by cutting and pasting various bits of film and the bit they ended with was in fact filmed in the middle of the film session.

I felt overcome with emotion which is what the directors' intention was.

Watching myself back on tv is one of the hardest things I do but it also shows what I am achieving for others by raising awareness of the issues that affect cancer patients.

I feel so strongly that patients with this disease should not have to wait around for hospital appointments that should have been scheduled and have not been. That the waiting time for results takes so long. That many cancer patients are losing their homes due to a loss of income. That these patients are coping with financial issues when they should be concentrating on being well and staying well.

It is for these reasons I campaign so hard while I can to make life better for those that follow this journey.

Life is not fair and this is a cruel illness to deal with it strikes at any age and in many forms. None of us know what is around the corner that is why I seize the day and take every opportunity given to me.

I will make a difference, not I am going to do this and then don't do something. I am determined that by writing this blog of my experiences things will change or people will be more aware of their actions around disabled people and be far more tolerant.

By being a member of a cancer forum I know my comments are taken on board and passed on to professionals so that they realise how their actions affect patients. I am also a member of a support group and it is through my eyes others realise the financial affects the illness has on the younger cancer patients.

I just hope things will change I know it won't happen overnight but I am determined to try my best to get things changed during my lifetime.

Best wishes.

Feex

Positive Feedback

I sent this article http://www.articlealley.com/article_789379_17.html to a friend who uses a wheelchair and had an email response back from her. It had made her very emotional but she was really pleased with it.

I think I summed up how others feel about being in a wheelchair and the various circumstances we come across when using one. There are numerous reactions to someone in a wheelchair and I just wrote from the heart.

It turns out this friend is celebrating something she was told would never happen when she was younger. She is finally getting her wish to live independently. She is one determined lady who I greatly admire.

It is these people who touch my life that spur me on to help others and offer support wherever I can.

Just knowing this lovely lady is a privilege.

Best wishes.

Fee

Determination overcomes

Each day is a struggle for me to access my computer. However, due to the support I give others and the inspiration I gain from opening an email or my blog and finding comments I am spurred on to do this arduous task daily.

If I had a complete dream it would be to live in a bungalow with lovely scenary outside and to have a laptop. Instead I live in a one bedroomed house with stairs leading up to the "junk room" where the computer is situated.

It is here I drag myself up one step at a time to access my lifeline; the computer. Every step is excruciatingly painful but I am determined to overcome this to see what the outside world has to offer me.

A new opportunity presented itself yesterday so I have duly applied and will know the outcome in the near future.

Other times I access the computer to see what my friends are up to or to offer them support.

Knowing there are others out there with worse problems than me makes me more determined to do what I can to help them.

Once I have read my emails and decided what is junk or what is extremely interesting I then decide to write. This can be on my blog, an article, letter or even amending my book (which I am getting frustrated with as I am the biggest critic of all when I look at my writing as it appears never good enough).

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with an idea it is then I crawl to the computer and write it down. I know if I leave it by the morning most of the thought has disappeared and the meaning of it is lost as I try to retrieve it.

There is no set pattern to my life or come to that my writing. I get an idea and I go with it.

It is rare that I actually write with pen and paper due to the fact my hands are so painful I am unable to do this for prolonged periods of time. Yet strangely enough I can type for hours with my ergonomic keyboard with the wrist rest built in.

Strange how what suits one person does not necessarily suit another.

My husband Steve is amazed at what I can achieve and the sheer determination and will power to succeed.

There are times when I want to give up and give in but on the whole I feel positive and once something is committed to print whether it be typed on the screen or on paper I feel I have achieved what I set out to do for the day.

Best wishes

Fee

The Tables have Turned today

Instead of me writing I have been written about in the Swimming Times Magazine March edition. When I opened up the article I could not believe it. Three pages about me including various photographs not at all glamorous.

When I finished reading the article tears were streaming down my face. I expect most readers will have the same reaction.

Despite various amendments over the last six months to the article being written I had no idea the impact it would have on me when I finally saw it in print with the photographs.

It is not as bad as the feeling I have when I watch myself back on tv. I usually cringe and want to hide away when others are watching with me. Perhaps that is how actors feel.

I have no idea where my life is going to take me or where my journey will end. All I do know is I am here for a reason and that is to help others.

The rest is like wrapping paper on a present.

Best wishes to everyone.

Fee

What Inspires me to Write?

Sometimes I read something in a newspaper and I get so angry I feel I want to right an injustice. Other times it is when someone or something has helped me through a tough time and I want to raise awareness of their existence or just to offer a thank you.

My main objective in writing is to help others and spur them on so that they can cope with horrendous situations.

My motivation varies from day to day. Some days I feel what is the point to today? Why should I get up? My tummy hurts. I want a duvet day. When I am advised to have "an ignore the world day" something usually changes my plans and I am spurred on to do things.

Today it was a telephone call from a hospital. This got me irked and I wanted to get to the bottom of their query and how it had come about in the first instance.

Each department I telephoned I was advised "It has not come from us". This iritated me and I have since made six different telephone calls all to no avail as to where the initial query came from.

After realising I was getting nowhere I contacted a totally different organisation and left the information with them. This organisation informed me that the other organisation had no track of telephone calls in or out or correspondence in letter form being recorded either. Hence the reason no one is admitting responsibility for the initial query.

This made me think back to something Simon has written in his blog about keeping records and hence the reason it is so important to make a note of each item you send out where and to who and which date. You never know when records need to be checked.

I suppose an efficient writer will keep all these records so no duplications arise and will know when or not they have been published.

Even if you write as a hobby it may be an interesting record to look back upon and see where your interest has taken you. You never know the journey could be long or short but it will be intersting nevertheless.

Best wishes to everyone.

Murder Most Famous (2)

For those who missed this show http://www.bbc.co.uk/murdermostfamous/ I have included the link.

It just goes to show that even professional writers struggle with writing a novel.

My Wannabe a Writer book arrived today and looking through that every professional writer gets rejections at some stage throughout their career. Nothing ventured nothing gained is very true.

Best wishes to everyone

Feex

Murder Most Famous

I have just been watching Murder Most Famous on BBC 2 where celebrities (lucky things) are being given a masterclass in how to write a murder mystery novel.

I watched with intrigue and interest and was amazed at how much research goes into producing a novel.

I hope to watch the rest of the series this week and see what hints and tips I can pick up.

Another Success

My husband informed me this morning that he had found a very interesting letter in The Sun. He came downstairs and read it out to me and then said the name at the bottom. It was mine.

I had submitted about a dozen letters over the last couple of months to The Sun and was astonished to see this one in print.

I had signed it in my married name and with letters this seems to get me published more than the other name I use. Don't know if I am being paranoid about this or not.

The main thing is the letter was published even though it did not win letter of the week.

So a good start to this week spurring me on.

Best wishes to everyone.

Fee

What have I been doing today?

I have relaxed until tonight.

Whilst leaving my husband downstairs to watch a recording of his favourite programme of Top Gear I heard him mention the word "Rozzers". This got me thinking why are police referred to as this.

I then did a search on the internet.

Some people thing it comes from the French word Roussain which the French police get referred as. Others believe it has origins from Robert Peel and a certain part of London hence the term Rozzers.

This made me look up other slang terms for the police and bacon appeared hence the reason for the term "pigs". I smell bacon was used to refer to the presence on an inspector on the prowl.

Bobbies on the beat also refers to Robert Peel.

Smokey comes from a reference to certain hats that american police wore hence the name of the film "Smokey and the Bandit".

It is surprising what you find out when you put your mind to it.

You have to speculate to accumulate

I am so glad I joined Wrekin Writers. Today "The New Writer" arrived on my doormat. I opened it immediately.

I read some of the articles and then saw two familiar names in print inside the magazine. Bless them are running a holiday to help writers who want encouragement or suffer from writer's block. Knowing my finances at the moment I doubt if I could afford to go on the 3 day trip but who knows one day I will.

In the meantime I know my subscription to The New Writer will pay off as I have already found wonderful material and advice on what to do and not to do to get published.

I have a new sense of excitment around me and I can't wait to see what happens in the next few weeks.

I also opened my emails up this morning and saw "Despatched" for Wannabe a Writer.

This morning it was like having a birthday opening the magazine to see what is in it.

I can't wait for next week's meeting.

Best wishes to everyone.

Feex

Friday 13th

Today has been Friday 13th and I for one am glad it is nearly over.

I built myself up for a very traumatic day only to find out the appointment this morning was cancelled and no one informed the people involved. Absolutely typical.

To make matters worse there were several accidents on the roads, causing chaos and making people late for various things.

I am feeling positive again despite the fact we know the appointment will have to be rescheduled but I am not going to worry until that time.

In the meantime life is for living and getting on with things.

I finally plucked up courage to find a publisher for my book. I looked at the submission guidelines and just my luck "we are not accepting submissions at this present time".

So I will have to keep an eye out for when they do. If not I will have to start enquiry letters next week and build myself up for the response.

Life is never simple. It would be boring if it was all so easy.

I am busy campaigning again on various bug bears I discovered yesterday, so I will see where that gets me. I love helping others and changing things for the better.

Who knows where my life will take me. What path, twist or turn will I find. I love life and am feeling much happier.

My wonderful husband has ordered me a valentine's gift it is "Wannabe a Writer".

Best wishes to everyone.

Fee

The Flip Side of a Coin

I am in the middle of three things that can go either way.

Hence the title the flip side of a coin.


I am hoping everything turns out positive but won't know until tomorrow when everyone's fate is decided by other people and I am not in control.

One scenario is things get postponed and the dilemma continues for a longer period.

Another scenario is someone's fate gets settled tomorrow and hope they can enjoy the life they have no matter what constraints are put on them.

There is another option but I don't want to tempt fate and post it.

I am worried sick and hate not being able to control circumstances.

All I can do is wait to see what fate will bring.

I hope the flip side of the coin is on my side for once and we can all move on from these circumstances.

I know tomorrow is Friday 13th. I am trying to be positive.

Fee

Looking at things in a different light

As some of you may have gathered from my previous posts I have not been feeling on top of the world lately.

With encouragement from fellow bloggers I have tried to come to terms with how I have been feeling and decided to write about it.

I am now feeling a lot more positive and despite the horrible weather I keep helping others.

Today I have written about being in a wheelchair. I don't use it all the time. I just use it for hard things like shopping which I now detest with a vengence.

I also used the wheelchair when I attended a wedding at the weekend. In the evening reception I used my sticks as there were no facilities for a wheelchair to the function room.

I put my walking poles to one side of the table and I sat and enjoyed myself watching others on the dance floor I joined in bopping away on my chair.

Some of the other guests came over to me and were glad that I had joined in rather than sitting there feeling sorry for myself. Steve even joined in with me and we had a good laugh.

To be honest sitting on the chair bopping away was far less embarrassing than being on the dance floor and getting knocked by a neighbour due to lack of space.

So as you can see my positive side is back.

It is surprising when you look at things in a different light what could be a negative is a positive.

Best wishes to everyone.

Fee

A pleasant surprise

I was thinking back to what Julie had posted on my blog when I wrote about snow. So I went to article alley and started writing an article there. I then saw a theme about Valentine's Day and wrote something about that too.

I then decided to see where I was in the author section. This is listed alphabetically and so I clicked on F and looked on the last page near the bottom. I couldn't find me. I thought my account may have been missed off. I then clicked and got my articles to appear these show the number of views that each article has had. It then dawned on me why my name was not at the bottom of the list anymore. I had over 100 views and hence had moved up the rankings.

I was so surprised and this has cheered me up.

I am glad I write and let my feelings flow.

Yesterday I watched Bargain Hunt and on it there was this message "Choose an author like you would a friend". Well I would certainly choose Wrekin Writers as they are being true friends offering support and encouragement when I need it most.

I am so lucky to have been welcomed in the way that I have and knowing that friendship and support is around when I feel down means so much.

Best wishes to everyone

Feex

Weddings

Many couples get married for one reason and one reason only they love each other.

That is where the similarities to weddings end. What do I mean by this?

Couples choose various venues to get married whether it be a registry office, hotel, church or even a railway station waiting room.

Accessories vary too as many brides have a set colour theme whether it be burgundy and ivory or ivory and purple, black and white or green. Every bride chooses what they want for their special day and sometimes the themes vary depending on the time of year for a wedding or what colours are available for various flowers. A bride decides whether to have fresh flowers or silk. Again a very personal decision.

Some brides are discreet about the presents they give. Many brides choose to give their bridesmaids gifts to wear on the wedding day itself others give gifts during the reception.

Flowers for the grooms mother and bride's mother are usually presented during the reception.

Some brides choose to have cards read out especially if certain members of a family will not be in attendance and it is felt appropriate to do this. This can also be a time for a bride to surprise her husband and have a card read out from her to him.

Giftlists have emerged over the years and many retailers offer this service and give discounts to the bride and groom if they want something specific. Some couples opt for help with their honeymoon whereas a few opt to give their giftlist to charity.

So you can see what I mean when I say the similarity ends and personal touches appear.

Honeymoons can be taken immediately after the wedding or sometime later. It does not mean that a couple loves each other less it just depends on circumstances and what suits one couple does not necessarily suit another.

I am lucky to have been able to look at my new husband and despite the fact we have not had a honeymoon yet it doesn't matter if we never get to go away on a honeymoon. What matters is supporting each other through difficult periods of life and knowing what we have is true love.

I am so lucky to have wonderful support when I need it most.

Snow

Looking through various blogs and watching the television with people sending in their snow pictures I can see some people have been and are inspired to write winter stories.

I have had no inspiration at all from this snow or the cold weather. In fact I fear every winter and this one is the worst we have had in ages.

I was meant to be going down south and staying with my brother-in-law. They are so concerned about me falling or slipping on the ice they have advised we postpone our visit today and see what tomorrow or Saturday brings.

I can picture in my mind the road where we should have been arriving tonight. Cars parked either side leaving a single lane for traffic to meet in both directions and car parking would be a nightmare trying to dab the brakes gently and reverse the car into a very tight parking space. So with that picture in mind and the fear of falling down the icy steps I have decided to postpone our trip.

Many people love the snows others fear it. I am one of those that fear it and have to be dosed up to the eyeballs with painkillers to cope with the arthritis I suffer with and other conditions on top. Once the cold hits my bones it takes ages to get warm. Gently rubbing one joint and then another to slowly gain warmth so that no further damage is done to the body.

It is at these times you can feel for the elderly and how they are suffering I am much younger but have similar conditions.

I long for the warm sunny weather so that I can at least have some normality to my life.

Bear a thought for those suffering and if you can be a good neighbour to someone to help them through this cold spell please do it.

I wish I could help others but as you can see this cold is impossible for me.

Best wishes

Feex

A Lovely Surprise

I was meant to be going away down south for a wedding this weekend but the weather has meant a delay if we ever go at all.

I am so glad it is not 12 weeks ago as that was our wedding weekend coming up and the added stress of this weather on a wedding well I don't think I could have faced it.

So I was snuggled up under the covers and did not want to move. The postman arrived and rang the doorbell. My husband went and answered it. I hate the cold so stayed put. To my surprise there was a package from the Shropshire Star. I had won "Letter of the Week" and inside the package was a silver pen from House of Fraser.

I looked back through my emails I wrote the letter to the paper at 3.30 am. Strange thing to do I know but look what my late night antics have achieved.

This has spurred me on to achieve more.

Best wishes to everyone and keep warm and well in this horrid cold weather.

Feex

Writing Articles

I have been writing articles for a while way before I joined a writing group.

I discovered an email from a friend this morning wanting to know how to go about writing articles and getting them published.

The site I use is Article Alley

http://www.articlealley.com/

To submit an article press the submit button you can register in the author area and this is completely free.

I wish you all the very best with your writing and who knows what we will be reading next.

Best wishes

Fee

Sad News in Papers this morning

I was so hoping that Jade Goody would at last have some good news about her health. Unfortunately not and I really feel for her. She has two lovely sons who do not deserve to lose their mum.

Jade is angry with the doctors who she saw three years ago and they failed to diagnose her illness and allegedly say it was "stress".

Some doctors do act like gods when patients go and see them and we see them in their white coats and believe what they say and put our trust in them.

What we should all do is we are unsure of what they have said is ask for a second opinion or keep going back. I know someone who kept going back and was a nuisance to the hospital staff but she was right and they were wrong. Sadly she is no longer with us and I wish the doctors had listened to this young woman when she presented with breast cancer. This has resulted in another child left without a mum.

It is heartbreaking reading these stories and knowing that I don't and can't have children and yet I am surviving. It begs the question "Why?"

I don't know the answer so I keep doing all I can to make this journey much better for those that follow and fight for the rights of the young ones going to consultants so that they are not told "Because of your age it won't be cancer" or "You are too young for it to be cancer".

This is why I am here I may be a thorn in the side of the NHS but I really think prevention is better than cure and if a problem is detected early it will prevent the deaths we are seeing from this illness.

I will never be free of hospital appointments or be given the "all clear". All I do is plod along and keep going. Drifting from one hospital appointment to another. Seeing one consultant and then another.

I have no idea when I will be able to take control and all I do is cope as best I can. It is for this reason I chose to write my book and I have also joined a wonderful writing group.

By attending the writing group I have found wonderful support and it means I get out of the house and these four walls.

The other reason I go out is for support groups and a cancer forum but there it brings the reality home that I have the disease and will never be free.

Writing is a completely different thing for me and I feel so much better putting my thoughts onto to paper.

Best wishes to everyone.

Fee

For all those that are feeling glum

Hi Everyone

I found this and thought it would cheer you up http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=gwAWLiYTSjs it certainly brought back some memories from Saturday night.

Best wishes.

Feex

The Outcome of the Hectic Day

Oh boy, I still can't believe I met Noel Edmonds. I feel like a silly schoolgirl.

During the drinks reception after the show I met a lovely 13 year old who is busy with the "Right to Talk" campaign to enable people who need equipment similar to Stephen Hawkin the right to have it. She even asked me what she could do to help me. Everyone was wonderful and we were all emotional about various things on the show.

Well I emailled the studio and thanked them for their support.

I was surfing on facebook yesterday and came across yet another campaign so I emailled my contact at Noel's HQ and it looks like they are going to take on this issue to. It is amazing how inspiring that show was to me.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=58643645907&ref=ts This is the story and the link.

I love helping others and that is what keeps me going.

Best wishes

Feex

The Hectic Day

Oh boy,

Where do I start and how do I come to terms with how I feel?

Well the car arrived and took us to the studios it arrived early and we arrived at the studios in Wembley in plenty of time in fact it was 4.30 pm.

Having been to tv stuidos before I didn't think I was going to be nervous. Oh boy this was totally different to everything else I had been through. We were met by our researcher and a runner. We were shown to a dressing room. It was amazing. Each dressing room was labelled with every person's name outside the room, just like when you go to an office block shared by various companies and each door is labelled with the company name.

I was completely overwhelmed. We were instantly offered food and a drink. I explained I couldn't have dairy and thought this was going to be a problem. Steve requested what he wanted and off they went. A few moments later a knock on the door and our food and beverages arrived. Mine was a hot pannini with mushrooms, tomatoes, courgettes and other various goodies. It was absolutely lovely.

I was shaking like a leaf and was completely overwhelmed. The researcher explained I would be going on the show without Steve next to me. This proved more difficult than anything for me to cope with.

Next we went to the "Green Room" to meet some others. We walked in and the room was full. I was shocked and nearly ran out but thought no I am here I will join in. The producer walked in and asked the room to introduce themselves from one end of the tv to the behind the door. He forgot about the others and myself behind him. So I spoke up after he left and said my name to try and break the ice.

Various people were collected at various times and as soon as the first group had gone I asked someone what he was on the show for "not having ID to prove he was over 18 to buy party poppers for News Year Eve"!!!!

We were one of the last groups to go down. I was instructed to go to make up and didn't want to go. I had done my make up earlier in the day and even our director said I looked ok. I didn't realise Noel was in makeup at that point and they insisted I have the shine taken away from me.

I reached the makeup room full of intrepidation and saw Noel in the makeup chair so waited at the door as I did not want to intrude. The other make up artist called me and told me to sit down. Noel was being briefed by producers so I kept quiet as I was too scared to say anything.

I felt like a timid school girl sat in his presence.

Noel "Hi I am Noel"

Me "Hi Noel I have watched you since I was little"

Noel: "I have watched you and you made me cry since I was little, I am always little you see".

That was the ice broken before the show thank goodness.

Then the serious conversation started and he told me what I was doing was brave and he really appreciated the fact that I was there. This struck home and was firmly in my mind so while waiting to go on the show I was thinking about me and not about others and it made it extremely difficult to come to terms with and cope.

My way of coping is to do things for others and not concentrate on myself. Hard to understand in some cases I know but we all cope in different ways when things are thrown at us.

I get on with it and do what I can to make life easier for those that follow this horrid journey.

When the film was being shown I was making my way to the stage. The introduction to it by Noel was very moving and I nearly collapsed with the fear and emotions I was facing. Steve was not going to be by my side and this was frightening. A producer kept saying deep breaths.

I was glad when I made it to the sofa. Noel understood exactly how I felt and kept asking if I was ok. I said I was which by that time I was feeling a lot better.

Noel then spoke to the MacMillan representative who had come up on stage with me, at least I wasn't completely alone. So this helped. Then Noel turned to me and I can't remember what he said except our heating bills were going to be paid for the year. I was completely shocked. No wonder we hadn't been allowed to see rehearsals.

It was then time for a break and we were ushered off the stage.

Just before the end of the show they called us all back up on stage. I went this time much calmer and headed for the sofa not knowing how long I would be up there for I knew I couldn't stand for long. So I had a sofa to myself. Cheggars made me feel so at ease when he said "stick the heating on full when you get home". I was made to feel so welcome. It was lovely.

http://sky1.sky.com/noels-hq-freeze-out-fuel-poverty This is the link to the campaign I was on the show for so if you want to add your support please do so.

I am tired today and emotionally drained the tears keep flowing and I know I have to let them out. My emotions are all over the place. Steve as ever is my rock and wonderful support.

I did manage to sleep last night as I had planned and it made such a difference.

I am off to have a relaxing afternoon with my wonderful mother in law and Steve.

I have found a loving family and support when I need it most.

Best wishes to you all.

Fee