Update

It seems I am not the only one under the weather at the moment. Another sleepless night drags on and here I find myself at the computer.

What is fear? Fear is a strange emotion, it can stop us doing something as we are afraid of being ridiculed or it can be overcome depending on what the fear is. Phobias can be cured with the right technique and in some cases anxieties can be controlled.

The more I attend hospital the more I fear them. I know what is going to happen to me, I know the procedures and the waiting around. I know they have tricks up their sleeves. I know the staff like making people wait to see if they burst while waiting their turns for ultrasounds. If you have had one of these you will understand what I am talking about.

It is not the staff I fear, it is the procedures and waiting that really gets to me. Walking through the doors of the hospital having to queue at the appointment desk for what seems like hours. Sometimes missing my appointment slot due to the long queue at this desk and lack of parking makes matters worse. To add insult to injury the hospitals charge for the pleasure of trying to find a parking space.

I wish I could move on from hospital appointments but as the time nears, my stomach goes into a knot. Watch out Steve she is anxious, beware her temper tantrums. Oh yes, I am honest about my fears. The trouble is nothing really allays them. I try breathing exercises to control them and all sorts of techniques but now over the last twenty years of hospital appointments it seems to be to no avail.

The worst is not knowing the results and the waiting seems an eternity for an appointment to see the right consultant for whichever ailment they are looking at. I have many consultants now they all know me by my first name and I know them all by sight even when out of hospital grounds. Yes I am an old timer going back and for to hospital.

I know this journey will never end. I just wish it was made easier and feel for those who have bigger burdens to bear.

It is for those that I try and change things when something goes wrong but I do give praise when things go right.

I wish I could stay positive all the time but life is not like that.

In June I dread the needles. In November I dread the cameras. This time it was just a scan so I was lucky.

Despite my horrid cough, cold and lack of appetite I am managing to write. Yes I have finally finished a piece for Doris. I never thought I was going to enter. All I have to do now is work out what the entry requirements are as this addled brain of mine cannot understand whether to staple the paperwork or just paperclip it all together. That is what comes from having the flu and trying to concentrate on everything at once.

Anyway I am going to drag this weary body off to bed in the hope I can get some rest.

Best wishes.

Fee