Saturday, 28 February 2009


It seems I am not the only one under the weather at the moment. Another sleepless night drags on and here I find myself at the computer.

What is fear? Fear is a strange emotion, it can stop us doing something as we are afraid of being ridiculed or it can be overcome depending on what the fear is. Phobias can be cured with the right technique and in some cases anxieties can be controlled.

The more I attend hospital the more I fear them. I know what is going to happen to me, I know the procedures and the waiting around. I know they have tricks up their sleeves. I know the staff like making people wait to see if they burst while waiting their turns for ultrasounds. If you have had one of these you will understand what I am talking about.

It is not the staff I fear, it is the procedures and waiting that really gets to me. Walking through the doors of the hospital having to queue at the appointment desk for what seems like hours. Sometimes missing my appointment slot due to the long queue at this desk and lack of parking makes matters worse. To add insult to injury the hospitals charge for the pleasure of trying to find a parking space.

I wish I could move on from hospital appointments but as the time nears, my stomach goes into a knot. Watch out Steve she is anxious, beware her temper tantrums. Oh yes, I am honest about my fears. The trouble is nothing really allays them. I try breathing exercises to control them and all sorts of techniques but now over the last twenty years of hospital appointments it seems to be to no avail.

The worst is not knowing the results and the waiting seems an eternity for an appointment to see the right consultant for whichever ailment they are looking at. I have many consultants now they all know me by my first name and I know them all by sight even when out of hospital grounds. Yes I am an old timer going back and for to hospital.

I know this journey will never end. I just wish it was made easier and feel for those who have bigger burdens to bear.

It is for those that I try and change things when something goes wrong but I do give praise when things go right.

I wish I could stay positive all the time but life is not like that.

In June I dread the needles. In November I dread the cameras. This time it was just a scan so I was lucky.

Despite my horrid cough, cold and lack of appetite I am managing to write. Yes I have finally finished a piece for Doris. I never thought I was going to enter. All I have to do now is work out what the entry requirements are as this addled brain of mine cannot understand whether to staple the paperwork or just paperclip it all together. That is what comes from having the flu and trying to concentrate on everything at once.

Anyway I am going to drag this weary body off to bed in the hope I can get some rest.

Best wishes.



  1. Hi Fee - Thanks for the lovely mail. My friend at work is going through the same thing, and to get through it, she puts on a brave face and jokes about her hair and her wig and the dead feeling in her fingers and toes, but we all know this is not just for our benefit but is also her way of handling the fear. When it gets near to the time for the scans and the chemo she knows we will be there to prop her up, that we are just as scared as she is and we are all waiting anxiously for her call telling us that everything is OK. She also knows that when she can't sleep and her fear is at its worst we are just an SMS away. But as much as we are there for her, this is still very much her private battle and the best we can do is be the crutch she needs when she's at her lowest, even if it is at 3am. As I always tell her - she's allowed to be scared because if she wasn't we'd really have something to worry about. Hope the cold gets better.

  2. Oh Fee - I'm thinking of you.

  3. How wonderful that you can express yourself so beautifully in your writing, a wonderful gift....a wonderful release....hugs...Carole x