Where do I start and how do I come to terms with how I feel?
Well the car arrived and took us to the studios it arrived early and we arrived at the studios in Wembley in plenty of time in fact it was 4.30 pm.
Having been to tv stuidos before I didn't think I was going to be nervous. Oh boy this was totally different to everything else I had been through. We were met by our researcher and a runner. We were shown to a dressing room. It was amazing. Each dressing room was labelled with every person's name outside the room, just like when you go to an office block shared by various companies and each door is labelled with the company name.
I was completely overwhelmed. We were instantly offered food and a drink. I explained I couldn't have dairy and thought this was going to be a problem. Steve requested what he wanted and off they went. A few moments later a knock on the door and our food and beverages arrived. Mine was a hot pannini with mushrooms, tomatoes, courgettes and other various goodies. It was absolutely lovely.
I was shaking like a leaf and was completely overwhelmed. The researcher explained I would be going on the show without Steve next to me. This proved more difficult than anything for me to cope with.
Next we went to the "Green Room" to meet some others. We walked in and the room was full. I was shocked and nearly ran out but thought no I am here I will join in. The producer walked in and asked the room to introduce themselves from one end of the tv to the behind the door. He forgot about the others and myself behind him. So I spoke up after he left and said my name to try and break the ice.
Various people were collected at various times and as soon as the first group had gone I asked someone what he was on the show for "not having ID to prove he was over 18 to buy party poppers for News Year Eve"!!!!
We were one of the last groups to go down. I was instructed to go to make up and didn't want to go. I had done my make up earlier in the day and even our director said I looked ok. I didn't realise Noel was in makeup at that point and they insisted I have the shine taken away from me.
I reached the makeup room full of intrepidation and saw Noel in the makeup chair so waited at the door as I did not want to intrude. The other make up artist called me and told me to sit down. Noel was being briefed by producers so I kept quiet as I was too scared to say anything.
I felt like a timid school girl sat in his presence.
Noel "Hi I am Noel"
Me "Hi Noel I have watched you since I was little"
Noel: "I have watched you and you made me cry since I was little, I am always little you see".
That was the ice broken before the show thank goodness.
Then the serious conversation started and he told me what I was doing was brave and he really appreciated the fact that I was there. This struck home and was firmly in my mind so while waiting to go on the show I was thinking about me and not about others and it made it extremely difficult to come to terms with and cope.
My way of coping is to do things for others and not concentrate on myself. Hard to understand in some cases I know but we all cope in different ways when things are thrown at us.
I get on with it and do what I can to make life easier for those that follow this horrid journey.
When the film was being shown I was making my way to the stage. The introduction to it by Noel was very moving and I nearly collapsed with the fear and emotions I was facing. Steve was not going to be by my side and this was frightening. A producer kept saying deep breaths.
I was glad when I made it to the sofa. Noel understood exactly how I felt and kept asking if I was ok. I said I was which by that time I was feeling a lot better.
Noel then spoke to the MacMillan representative who had come up on stage with me, at least I wasn't completely alone. So this helped. Then Noel turned to me and I can't remember what he said except our heating bills were going to be paid for the year. I was completely shocked. No wonder we hadn't been allowed to see rehearsals.
It was then time for a break and we were ushered off the stage.
Just before the end of the show they called us all back up on stage. I went this time much calmer and headed for the sofa not knowing how long I would be up there for I knew I couldn't stand for long. So I had a sofa to myself. Cheggars made me feel so at ease when he said "stick the heating on full when you get home". I was made to feel so welcome. It was lovely.
http://sky1.sky.com/noels-hq-freeze-out-fuel-poverty This is the link to the campaign I was on the show for so if you want to add your support please do so.
I am tired today and emotionally drained the tears keep flowing and I know I have to let them out. My emotions are all over the place. Steve as ever is my rock and wonderful support.
I did manage to sleep last night as I had planned and it made such a difference.
I am off to have a relaxing afternoon with my wonderful mother in law and Steve.
I have found a loving family and support when I need it most.
Best wishes to you all.